ArchivedLogs:Confessions

Confessions
Dramatis Personae Alexandrine, Dan
In Absentia	28 February, 2013 It all comes out.
Location <NYC> 201 {Dan} - Sunrise Apartments - Clinton
Inviting Alex to his place might have been a mistake. That's what Dan is thinking as he looks over his place. It's not a /nice/ place, but it isn't a complete hole, either. But, even after a couple of hours spent cleaning up and tidying, the tiny apartment still looks shabby, to his eyes. At least in the low light offered by the single table lamp. The worn, low sofa seems too small, and the door to his bedroom, when open, looks entirely too big. Even the floor, hardwood covered with throw rugs, seems battered and cheap-looking. She's going to take one look at this and run, and wouldn't it serve him just right? Rubbing a hand over his face, he moves into the kitchen, grabbing the white tank top off the back of a chair, he slips it on before moving to make sure there's been no dirty dishes left in the sink, or food laying out to attract roaches or worse. He snaps on the Bose radio on the counter, filling the small space with the rich baritone of Dean Martin as he warbles his way through some standard. It's not candles and moonlight, he decides, but it's as close as he can manage. It likely is not a surprise that Alex is right on time, the knock on his door right at the appointed time. She's left her hair loose, red spilling over the black of her coat and the purple of her dress beneath. She's got a large canvas bag slung over her shoulder, and she waits fairly patienly in the hallway. She tucks away her ipod into her jacket pocket, so she isn't standing there listening to music still when he answers the door. There's a hint of butterflies in her middle, she's never been to his place before, so... She doesn't have to wait long. Dan is at the door even before the knocking actually fades, smoothing a hand through his hair before he swings it open with a wide grin and a wash of relief that's like a wash of cold water along his spine. "Hey, baby," he says, and leans forward to claim a kiss, looping an arm around her waist. "I'm glad you're here." He uses that looped arm to lift the dancer off the ground, lightly, dragging her into the apartment and kicking the door closed. "I missed you yesterday." "Hey." Alex says, her tone warm, her smile flashing. She surrenders that kiss, letting him pull her inside. "Oh gee, a whole /day/ without me. " It's a tease, a wink before she's sliding the bag off her shoulder to hand to him. "Hold this a second?" She shimmies out of her coat, putting it wherever is convienent, even it that means the back of the couch. "Some bourbon, some wine, an' snacks. " She's made brownies, and cookies, and bought some cupcakes. "It was torture," Dan replies, taking the bag with a responding wink. "I don't know how I survived it." He takes up her coat, as well, and hangs it on a coatrack in a corner of the kitchen. "Oh, hey, that was nice," he says, a flush of warmth flooding him as he looks in the bag. "I was going to call in an order to the burger stand on the corner, but I think I'd rather go for the sugar rush." He offers a wide smile, and goes to get glasses out of the kitchen. "I got you something," he says as he pulls out two wine glasses and sets them on the counter. "While I was out getting stuff for my..." He pauses, uncertainty washing through him hard enough to rock him on his feet. "Sister's kids," he finishes slowly, guilt gnawing at him as he digs through a drawer for the corkscrew. Alexandrine blinks. "You got me a present?" She sounds touched by the idea, but then she's watching him a hawk. Remembering what she talked about with Dough, she's crossing over towards Dan. "Ah've been meaning to ask you, sugar... Well, a lot of things. Like how long you were married.." She starts, unpacking the bag slowly. "Did you have any kids, did you want any... you know, stuff like that." "I did," Dan replies, producing the corkscrew and tucking it away in his hand. "I saw it, and thought of you, so I figured those kinds of things make good gifts." When she approaches, he smiles softly, and begins to reach out to her, stopping when she gives voice to her questions. Then he's reaching up to rub at his face, memories flooding through him /hard/ for a moment. Jumbled and hard to grab hold of, they tumble through his brain with the question echoing behind them. "Let me pour the wine first," he rumbles, his face clouding. And he does just that, working the corkscrew into the soft cork with trembling hands. It takes a minute, but then the wine is open, and he ignores etiquette, filling both glasses and setting one next to Alex. "Ellen and I were married two years," he says. "I'd known her all my life, but I didn't really /see/ her until I came back from the Shit. And then..." he lifts a hand. "We got married about a year later.” He takes a deep breath, and a big swallow of wine. "She died a few months after our second anniversary." He pauses, and licks his lips. "Giving birth to our daughter." Alexandrine nods when he wants to pour the wine first. She promises herself she'll do penance, dropping her shielding to listen in on Dan for the first time since their first date. "Happens sometimes. Go away an' come back, an' someone you used to know is suddenly more ...there." Her chest aches for him. "Ah'm sorry it happened that way, sugar. So sorry. Ah know what it's like to lose someone very close...but.. that's a whole other level." She reaches out to rub her palm along his cheek. "What happened to your daughter?" Had she lived? If so, why had he never said anything? Everyone else she knew with kids... well, talked about them a lot. Whether bitching or bragging. Dan is quiet for a long time, images of Colleen floating through his mind. There's no clear way he can find to get around the subject, fear spiking momentarily at the thought of Alex fleeing when it all comes out. "Colleen lives with my sister, Kathleen," he says finally, his voice hoarse. "She's just three, and I'm not really prepared to..." live with a mutant? Be a full-time father? Be a fucking /man/, for Christ's sake? "Take care of a kid that young. I see her pretty regularly, though." He does smile at that bit of information, his mouth pressing tight as it slides to one side. "She's a pistol." A purple, probably-dangerous-later, pistol. Alex moves to hug him, head reeling. Dan's own little girl is a mutant. A mutant that, by being born, was linked to the death of her mother. "Ah think Ah understand. Probably hard, losin' Ellen, an' havin' a baby. Ah'm sure you see her a lot. But.. Ah think you might be more ready than you think." The redhead gives him a kiss. "What's she like? What's she like to do?" Dan's arms loop easily around Alex when she moves to hug him, relief flooding through him like sunlight, and driving back some of the darker shadows that had begun to creep forward. Shadows tinged with guilt and shame, and reeking of fear. "It was awful, the first year," he admits. "I got into a lot of fights and drank way more than I should have. But Kathleen's the one to thank for me being around," he confesses, leaning down to accept the kiss and reaching up to stroke back Alex's hair and tuck it behind her ear. "She told me 'Daniel Bryan Rourke, you can be a shit father if that's what you want, but by God you'll be a shit father who's /around/.'" He chuckles, and lifts a shoulder. "Eventually, I saw she was right, and got over myself." The question brings up another churn of anxiety as he picks out the memories. that are safest. "She's really sweet," he says, reaching for his wine and swirling it around in the glass. "She's a big hugger and kisser. Kathleen says she's never met a stranger, and is constantly talking to people in the park." He grins, and closes one eye with a pang of guilt. "I think I already told you she likes to dance," he says. "Twirling all the time. And she likes books, right now. She's crazy about being read to." He wrinkles his nose, his memory casting about. "And those ponies on that cartoon? She likes those." Mostly because the lead character is exactly the same shade. "She reminds me of Ellen, a lot. Looks like her, but she's also got the same kind of laugh." "No, you told me you had a niece that liked to twirl, an' dance. You never once mentioned that she was yours, sugar." Alex gives him a dazzling smile. "What, worried Ah wouldn't want to date you if Ah knew there was another girl in your life?" She teases. "You mean My Little Pony?" she offers. She just nods at the talk of resemblance. "Um. Yeah," Dan says, because all of that is true, along with the other stuff. "Honestly. A lot of women are put off by guys who have kids, aren't they?" He wrinkles his nose. "I never really tried to date before this, so I don't really know. You're one of the first people I've ever talked about her with that wasn't Kathleen or her husband." He wobbles internally with a wave of guilt. "I'm sorry I lied about it," he says honestly, his thoughts lining up with that sentiment. "It's just...things are complicated, where Collie is concerned. I've still got some stuff to work out before I can be a full-time dad to her." The show's name gets a slap of his forehead. "/That's/ the name of the fucking thing. I wandered through F.A.O. Schwartz for an hour, trying to remember." "Depends on the woman, Ah guess." Alex says with a shrug. "Ah want kids, someday, so it wouldn't be such a big deal to me. Add in the fact Ah love kids, an' teach lil' ones all the time..." She gives Dan a look. "Complicated how, sugar? Anything Ah can help with?" There's a flood of warmth that runs through Dan at Alex's response, and he catches her back in the hug, pulling her close. "I knew you were something special," he murmurs, planting a warm kiss on her mouth that lingers and deepens slightly before it breaks, and he pulls his head back. There's a stab of guilt tinged slightly with annoyance for the question, and he frowns. "That's probably a conversation for a later date," he says slowly. "It's not really anything that you can help with, though. But believe me when I say that recently, I've started to see myself being a full-time dad one day soon." Which is true, although there's a rush of anxiety for that prospect. For the usual reasons, and the unusual ones. "I'm glad that you're okay with it," he says, leaning down for another kiss. "It means a lot to me. More than you know." Turns out, more than /he/ knew. The rush of gratitude comes with a spattering of surprise for the depth of the feeling. Alex wishes she could tell him if only he knew. "Dan..things keep goin' the way they have been, we're gonna be neck deep, soon. You can tell me. What, Ellen's parents want to take custody? " She surrenders that kiss, feeling dread make her heart pound. "Is it medical, complicated birth an' all?" It is the most delicate way she can think to start probing that way. "If Ah'm gonna meet your family soon, sugar, she'll be there. Ah just... just the way ya say it... Ah wanna know what to expect." Some of the dread might be rolling off of Dan as questions he'd hoped to stave off for a few more days suddenly are voiced. She has a good point, and there's a tug of.../some/ unidentified emotion as he pulls back, scrubbing at his face. "Ellen's parents are fine with the current arrangement," he says, going after the easiest question, first. "They're not really set up for taking care of Collie, either." He chews on his lip, pulling further back and gulping down the rest of his wine. He stares at Alex for a long moment, doubt and need warring in his brain before he turns, then, and walks into his bedroom without a word. There's the noise of something heavy being moved, and much rattling around before Dan re-emerges, a battered photograph in his hand. Wordlessly, he holds it out towards Alex, fear stabbing through him. This is it. This is where she'll rip his heart out and walk out the door. The photograph is of a baby, not more than six months old, laying on the chest of a an older, heavy woman with coppery hair. The baby...is purple. A uniform shade of amethyst that's broken only by eyes the color of Dan's, and the tuft of deep violet hair on the top of her head. Dan says nothing. He merely watches Alex with an increasingly concerned look growing on his face. Alexandrine takes the picture, watching Dan's face curiously before she glances down. Even being almost sure as she was, seeing the fact that his daughter is purple.. well. She takes in all in, the lovely shade of skin, the contrasting hair.. She looks up at Dan, brows arched up. "This? This was the complication? Ah'm assumin' this is Colleen here. The cute little thing that happens to be purple." Her hand lowers, so she's just looking at Dan. "Okay, so your daughter's a mutant. So?" Mentally, the needle slides across the track, and Dan stares at Alex with absolute blankness in his brain. DOES NOT COMPUTE. He blinks once, then again. Nope, still not tracking. He steps forward with another slow blink. "She was about four months old, there," he says, his brain still tumbling in a river of relief and other, stronger emotions. "I...didn't want a picture of her, but Kathleen made me take one. That's her in the picture, with Colleen. It hurts," he confesses. "Seeing her. Knowing she's a -- mutant," is a definite edit of the F word that pops up in his head and is squashed ruthlessly. "I've had a lot of trouble with them, in my life. Her arrival in the world was..." he purses his lip with a grimace. "It wasn't as joyous as it should have been. And for a long time -- hell, still even sometimes now -- I couldn't look at her without seeing Ellie and the mutant who killed her in the same person." He takes a deep, shuddering breath, and scrubs at his face. "I love her, Alex, but being around her...it's complicated." "Ah agree with Kathleen. She's your little girl, Dan." Alex moves to set the down the picture carefully. "It's not her fault she's a mutant, any more than it is mine that Ah have red hair." It's an honest statement. "It isn't something she chose. Any of it. Ah understand losing Ellie hurt you. Ah understand Colleen being a mutant was a shock, too. And maybe someday you'll be able to reconcile the fact that she wouldn't have wanted it, and be that full-time Daddy you seem to want to be. But Ah'm not here to tell you to do it. Ah'm not your therapist." Alex moves to pick up her wine, sipping at it. "Had trouble with them, you say. Haven't you ever not had trouble with one? Like the kid you made cry in the clothing store? Ah've met some, you know. Only ever had trouble with one, really. But he's kinda just a jerk in general. " Dan exhales sharply in a rush of air that seems to empty his lungs, as he immediately sucks in a large breath. "I know all of that, baby," he says, rubbing at his face and letting his fingers linger on the scar under his eye. "I know all of that in the logic parts of my head -- I /know/," he repeats, his voice rising a bit desperately. His mind begins to spin, uncertainty about Alex's modus operandi in questioning him rolling off him. Is this it? She'll leave him for not being a /good father/. Hello, Irony. You've been away a while. "It's not her fault, and I'm trying -- I've really been trying, lately." He steps to the counter, then, splashing wine in his glass with hands shaking badly enough to spill wine on the formica. There's a long pause as Dan studies his wine, and he takes a big drink. "I shouldn't have made that kid cry," he admits. "He was nicer than his brother was. I just got wigged out when I saw him." He frowns, and gazes at the containers of food, pushing his bottom lip out as he considers his words. How does he tell her all the things mutants have done to him? "I'm not a jerk to be a jerk," he asserts. "It's just...." he takes another deep breath, holding it until spots begin to swim in his brain before he exhales slowly. "Can we sit down for the rest of this?" Alexandrine reaches out a hand to his arm when he spills the wine. "Easy, sugar. Jus' you and me here. It'll be all right." She's whispering, even if in the back of her head, she knows 'all right' may be a total lie. "You didn't strike me as the jerk to be a jerk type." She nods. "Of course we can sit down, baby." She gets the cupcakes, and along with her wine, heads for the couch. Alex's touch is, indeed, steadying, although there's a bit of a mental jerk as it brings Dan back to the moment. He grabs his wine and follow after the redhead, letting her settle before he sets himself down, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. "I've never had any luck with mutants," he begins after a long moment, and images play across his mind, illustrating his speech in a broken panorama. "The first mutant I saw killed four of my buddies, and gave me this scar." He rubs a thumb under his eye, shielding his face briefly with the glass. "The second...was much worse." There's a shudder as those images, blurry and sick splash across his mind. "They used me," he says in a low voice. "They jumped in my head, and made me kill my entire platoon." There's a shudder that rolls through him, and doesn't really stop. "And they made me /watch/. I saw everything, and couldn't do anything to stop myself." His grip around Alex's shoulders tightens, and he draws in air through his teeth as he struggles to push down the flight/fight response that rises. It's a long, long minute or five before he gains control enough to continue. "When Ellie was pregnant, I was working two jobs because she was having a bad time and had to stay in bed. The same gang of mutants mugged me twice. The second time, they beat me bad enough to put me in the hospital for a week." He rubs at his face. "And then, Colleen came along..." he trails off in a shuddering breath. "I've never had any luck with mutants." Alex ducks her head a little to try and hide the way she is sure her face is paling. He'll never accept her. Never..never... not if.. "Ah'm... Ah'm sorry, sugar. That someone did that to you, inside your head. Ah.. Ah can't imagine... even in war.. tryin' to make someone.. and.. " She kisses his cheek, even as her stomach rolls and twists in her stomach. "See, Ah've never met one like that... and you have had luck with mutants. You have a beautiful little girl who Ah am sure is just waiting to light up your life." Alex drains her wine, setting the empty glass down and scooting her way out from under his arm, if he will let her. "Ah should go." There's suddenly a yawning chasm in Dan's heart when Alex says she has to go, and he goes spiralling into it, plastered with images of his past and present. Glass shatters somewhere in his brain, and he slumps, allowing her to extricate herself. "If you need to," he agrees dully, walls already starting to come up in his mind. "It's a lot to deal with." He can't bring himself to lift his eyes to meet hers. Pain lances through him, and he blinks a couple of times. But he remains silent, staring dully at his hands as they clench and twist at each other in his lap. Alexandrine can feel it, and for a moment, she's cursing her powers, cursing what she is. "Ah.. Just thought it might be tiring for you, to tell me all this. Thought you might wanna be alone to ...reorder everything, since Ah just came in and flipped tables over an' things." She turns to face him, her hand cupping his cheek. "All that isn't gonna make me run from you, sugar." She whispers, before he's being kissed. It's slow, soft, tender...held until he breaks it. The chasm doesn't seem so deep, suddenly, and there's a jerk as Alex's assurances stop the plummet. Dan lifts his eyes to meet Alex's, then, and while his lashes are wet, there's no sign of actual tears. "Baby, since I've been with you, I've felt more ordered than I have in three years," he says honestly, his expression perfectly displaying his struggle to make that statement true again. "You have a right to ask those questions," he says, slipping his hand around to the small of her back. "I wasn't exaggerating when I said I was messed up. Are you sure you still want --" he breaks off as she leans in, turning his head slightly to catch the whispered words. And he accepts that kiss with a rush of thank-you-God-for-a-good-woman, and he uses the hand on her back to bring her closer, deepening the kiss. When it breaks, he doesn't pull back, letting his lips rest against hers, the murmured words vibrating against her soft skin. "I don't want you to go." "Ah told you before, none of that is gonna make me leave." Alex says, slowly disentangling herself from the kiss. A hand comes up, brushing hair back from her face. "But you might ask me to leave." Even as she's praying that's the worst it gets. "Ah... you've told me what Ah think is your deep, dark stuff. My turn." She takes a deep breath, and damnit, why does her wine glass have to be empty? "Because you might not want me anymore... because /Ah/ am a mutant, as sure as your daughter is.” "Not want you? That's ridi --" There's a lot of track-sliding in Dan's mind, tonight. Alex's confession closes Dan's mouth with long stare, and Dan closes his eyes, rolling that over in his brain. It's one of those knee-jerk responses, he decides. A test of his loyalty, or how bad he really is. Outwardly, he cracks a wide, lost-looking grin. "Sure you are," he says, chuckling uneasily. "I could tell it the minute I met you." It's totally facetious, and he lifts a shoulder. "No one can be as pretty as you are and not have it be a superpower." "Ah'm not testing you, Dan." Alex shifts aside, making to rise. "It's not a joke, despite some people sayin' the way Ah make gumbo is a super power." She stands, moving to take her wine glass over to the counter. She pours a bit more into it, downing it before the glass is set down. "Ah'm sorry, sugar...but Ah am one." Oh, so it's not a joke. That...is unsettling, and Dan sits there for a long moment in silence, watching Alex carefully. "Why." It isn't a question so much as a simple utterance. "When." Doesn't qualify, either. Then he closes his eyes, his brain spinning as he tries to grab hold of this new bit of information. "What?" /There's/ a question. Alexandrine looks far more composed than she feels. "Genetics." She answers his questions, though she knows they don't get to the heart of things. "Ah was fifteen, came on me when my father was killed." She takes a deep breath, eyes watching him with that last question. "The fancy word for it is psionic. Empathy, telepathy...that kinda thing." Her jaw tightens. "An' before you ask, no. What you feel for me is what /you/ feel. Ah haven't used my powers with you since our first date." Dan is quiet for a long moment before he pushes forward to sit on the edge of the couch, covering his face with his hands. What. The. Fuck. He wasn't expecting this. It's not even something he's ever considered as a possibility. Lowering his hands, he licks his lips before he looks up at the redhead. "You...you can get in people's heads?" he says slowly. "Like that kid in the Shit?" He blinks, and stands, suddenly. His mind is roaring, throwing around emotions like plates against walls. Her assertion brings him up short, and he blinks. He'd never even /thought/ about that. But. He blinks, and stares at Alex with a look of incredulity. "I know what I feel for you is real," he says, as if /that/ were the most important thing to be addressed. "Because I can't fight it." He steps forward, and lifts a finger to his temple. "When that kid was in there, fucking it all up, I was fighting it. I could /feel/ it in there, and I /fought/." His eyes are a bit wild as he takes another step forward. "But there's nothing to fight, with you. It's not the same thing." He rubs at his face, and there's a grinding in his mind as he struggles with his emotions. "Damn it." There's something quivering deep inside Alex's stomach at that moment. She's never been this afraid...not since she came to the City. Not even when everything was going so horribly wrong at the mayor's speech. "Ah can. Ah have. Ah probably will, when the situation calls for it." Her chin lifts. "That kid overseas.. Ah don't know what their powers were, exactly. But Ah've been able to... convince people what Ah want is reasonable, a few times. Ah don't.. Ah don't like using my powers like that, unless Ah have to. Most of the time, Ah've used it for little things. Give someone that's down an' thinkin' dark thoughts a better feelin', somethin' good to think about. When one of my kids is frustrated, and thinks they'll never get it, Ah make them stress a little less. Things like that." She shrugs, hands linking together in front of her. "Ah wouldn't want to be with you, if Ah had to make you want to be with me. And if you keep feelin' it, after you're away from me..." Another shrug. Dan blinks, realization flooding him like ice water. When he speaks, his voice is a rasp. "I never stop feeling it." Alexandrine flushes, color rising in her face that had gone pale. Her eyes close, and there's something like a soft sigh. " Ah never do, either. Ah miss you, when Ah can't talk to you, don't get to see you." Dan's mind is still reeling, but that single shared thought is enough to latch on to. He steps forward, a hand coming up. "I don't..." he begins, and closes his eyes briefly. "It's not going to be easy," he says. "For either of us." Alexandrine shivers, but she doesn't flinch away from that hand coming up. Blue eyes open to look at him, a hint brighter for the extra wetness that is not yet tears. "Ah know. Ah...there are already people who know Ah am seeing you.. who think.. less than pleasant things about me. They think Ah'm an idiot, because Ah followed instinct an' things, dating you. " "Baby," Dan says, his voice softening as he steps forward and turns his hand palm up. "I'm an asshole, for sure. People hate me on sight all the time. But I'm not /dangerous/." He winces. "I don't go /looking/ for trouble. But I don't back down from it, either. That's going to rub a lot of people the wrong way." His jaw tightens. "But, so help me, if anyone gives you shit about us, you send them to me, and I'll set them straight." The almost-anger he'd kept pressed down against Alex's confession is redirected into the faceless enemy. "No one says shit about my girl." His mouth pulls tightly to one side. "Either of them." "You're not an asshole. You just play one. If you were really an asshole, Ah wouldn't be here." Alex says softly. "Just,... ease up on starting trouble with teenaged mutants, huh? Ah know the dad of those two blue boys. You sent the one home in tears. Ah've heard the other... well, Ah've heard he can be hot tempered. But.. that would be like someone making Colleen run home in tears to you, because they didn't like how she looks." Alex leans in for a kiss. " Ah /can/ take care of myself, you know." Dan closes the distance between them, and wraps his arms around Alexandrine. "I won't go looking for any more trouble," he promises. "If you'll promise to not hide anything else from me." He smiles, a weak sort of smile that's still genuine, and leans down to press into that kiss. "I've been thinking about Colleen a lot, in relation to mutants," he admits. "There's this girl in the park that makes me think about what it would be like for Collie. It's..doing something to the way I think." He lifts his eyebrows, a spike of worry worming through his brain. "You're okay with this?" he verifies. "Because I'm weirded out, but this still feels right." He grimaces. "Which weirds me out even more, if I'm being honest." "Ah don't have anythin' else to hide. Ya already know Ah'm a dork." Alex teases just a little. "Ah'm very okay with it. Ah.. Ah've been wanting to tell you. Just wanted to wait for the right time." There's a hint of a smile. "Weirded out is workable, though. Why don't we just curl up on the couch together for a while, an' let the shock wear off? An' if you promise to keep bein' a gentleman, Ah'll sleep over." The redhead offers, slowly urging him to the couch to curl up, and let the evening slowly wrap around them both and give them time to take it all in.