ArchivedLogs:Taking Time

Taking Time
Dramatis Personae Dorian Siccavil, Aloke
In Absentia	2013-12-01 Adivsor meets his new advisee
Location Aloke's office
Aloke emailed Dorian earlier in the day, leaving plenty of time for the young man to find his office on the basement level of the mansion. It isn't much more than a storage closet with a desk tucked inside, and a couple of chairs on the visitor's side of that desk, just inside the door. The walls are covered with all manner of art supplies, but the only bit of personal decoration in the room is a tiny digital picture frame lazily cycling through various pictures, apparently from Aloke's phone, including some with his family, landscapes around campus, and more than a couple of 'selfies' with him and Mallory, the school's head librarian, grinning from various spots around campus. Aloke is here now, tapping away at the laptop the school provided for him. He's wearing a plain black t-shirt, cargo-khakis, and no shoes. It's quite cold outside, and only slightly cold in here, but Aloke doesn't seem to mind it much. It may be just a bit later than expected when Dorian finally stumbles through the door to the tiny office, not out of breath, but looking as though he had just sprinted here from elsewhere on campus. He's wearing a slightly oversized gray tank top with the school logo on the chest, which leaves his physical mutation quite visible, the thick dark fur on his shoulders fading to a pale tawny fuzz, interrupted by thin, visible scars that start below his collar bones. His worn blue jeans have been modified to grant his tail freedom of movement, although it does not seem to move much on its own. Skidding to a stop on bare, webbed feet, Dorian offers an apologetic look to Aloke, nervously looking around the room, and then again at the teacher. The cold doesn't seem to bother the young man, and he rumples a hand anxiously through his hair, a babbled apology spilling forth, "I'm so sor... erm, I didn't mean to be late. I'm not used to having, um, e-mail, or a phone, or, well, I'm kind of really bad at using computers, but when I was with my tutor they saw the e-mail and then told me I should come, and make sure I wasn't late or anything, and so here I am. I didn't mean to be late, really, please don't be mad?" All of this, amazingly, spills out in one breath, and he even continues speaking without drawing breath, "Oh, um, right, I'm Dorian. Um, hi?" Aloke's eyebrows pop up when Dorian rushes in, and they are accompanied by a bemused smile as words tumble out of Dorian's mouth. Then it softens into something much more warm when Dorian talks about Aloke being 'mad'. "Oh no, no no no, Dorian. I'm not mad, and it takes far more than being a little late to a meeting to make me mad, trust me." He smiles and stands, extending his hand to shake Dorian's, adding, "But if you ever do need a handy way to apologize," Aloke adds, once his hands are free again, and signs the words for 'I'm sorry', "This is a good way to do it. Now have a seat, let's chat." Dorian relaxes visibly when Aloke insists that he isn't mad, the tiny rounded ears atop his head perking up from the rumpled mess of his hair, one notched from previous damage, and the other still bearing a small metalic tag. The extended hand gets a hesitant look, before Dorian accepts, his hands pleasantly warm to the touch, but the almost continual line of scarring along each finger is hard to miss. "Oh, right," he responds, parroting the sign for 'sorry' with a sheepish look, "I should know that one, really, I use it often enough." When indicated to sit, he does, flopping bonelessly into the chair, before pulling his feet up under him and wrapping his tail around his ankles and settling in. "Um, did I do something wrong?" he asks, though the quiet catch in his voice all but implies he thinks he did something wrong. Aloke sits back in his own chair with much less flopping, but then smiles and leans forward, arms on the desk. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not in trouble." He grins and plows ahead, "The bad news is that this old fart has been assigned as your advisor." Aloke grins, his eyes casting light in the small office wherever he's looking. "Although, it's really not all that bad. Mostly I'm hear to make sure you get the classes you need, give advice where I can, or just be a sounding board if you need to talk. I'm here for you, however I can help." Listening intently, Dorian looks somewhat terrified when Aloke says that there is bad news, but the look of terror fades into mere confusion when he explains, allowing a nervous smile. "Oh, um, okay? I dun see how that's /bad/ news. I mean - you seem nice. And, well, I kinda assume since your office is in the art room closet, which makes you less scary than any of the sciency type teachers or doctor types. So I count the lack of potentially being experimented on to be kinda a plus?" he tilts his head to the side and shrugs, a lopsided grin indicates that it is a somewhat failed attempt at a joke. "I... I have no clue what classes I'm supposed to take. I guess they have notes one me. I'm used to people having notes on me, but if you didn't get them, let me know, and I can 'splain?" Dorian ruffles his hair nervously, looking at Aloke with apprehension, "I'm kinda really, really, um, really behind. Like, a lot." Aloke chuckles softly at Dorian's impression of science teacher and shakes his head. "No, I promise you Dorian, /no/ one here is going to experiment on you for any reason. However. Make sure you don't skip your physical exams with Dr. McCoy, ok? He's not interested in any kinds of experiments, but he /does/ want to help us all - including me and some of the other faculty - understand our mutations as best we can, so we can adjust and not hurt anyone by accident." Aloke sits back in his chair, folding his hands in front of him. From the skeptical look on Dorian's face, he doesn't exactly believe Aloke about the lack of experimentation. And he doesn't seem to be buying in on the physical exam idea, either. He shifts in his seat, pulling his knees up to his chest and tucking his tail around his ankles, draping over his webbed feet. "I understand what's left of it well enough, I guess. When I'm stressed, I have, um, pheromones? Makes people not want to hurt me. Sometimes?" for all his talk of understanding it, he doesn't seem so certain, "No control over it, never had any. Now it's kinda gone. Other than that, I'm furry, I can stay under water for a long time, and cold water don't bother me none," he looks at his hands, frowning, and looking curiously at Aloke, "How're they s'posed to help find out about powers without experimenting? I mean, that's what the labs did. Found out 'bout powers. How they could use them." Dorian rests his chin on top of his knees, looking at Aloke, ears twitching in curiosity, "Y'mean the teachers have issues, too? I mean, you're teachers. An' adults?" He snorts slightly at this, grinning lopsidedly, "Ok, technically I s'pose I'm supposed to be an adult. Sorta fail at it." Aloke holds up his hands to try and placate Dorian's doubt. "No no, I understand what you mean, especially after everything you've been through. But being an adult doesn't magically fix all the stuff we struggle through as mutants. Trust me." Aloke makes a reassuring smile, frowns for a moment, and then sits forward again. "I just think it's worth telling you I've been through something similar. I was trapped for years when my ability went... out of control. And it did that, because I didn't fully understand it. But what you're worried about? I totally get it. You have no reason to trust us. But the difference between here, and where you were before?" Aloke raises an eyebrow, letting the question hang for just a moment. "You can leave whenever you want. Go for physicals whenever you want. It's up to you. I only mention it as a resource we have here. The staff here saved my life." Aloke shrugs and smiles gently. Sighing softly, Dorian nods, "I know. I've had a coupla grown ups tell me that. No magic fix for all the wrongs. No simple and easy way to suddenly make the last nine years all okay again." He listens to Aloke again, scratching idly at the tag in his ear as he does, his eyes going wide at the mention of being trapped for years, suddenly studying the teacher curiously. "For years? How? I mean," he signs 'sorry', "That's... scary. But, they actually helped you with it? Not made you do it again to see what else happens?" With a head tilt, Dorian looks confused, an apparently common expression on the young man, "I can leave? Not that I want to. I don't have anywhere else to go, I don't think. I mean, I should contact my parents, I guess, but, well, how do I explain all this to them? It's... I dunno." He ruffles his hair again, apparently fighting frustration, "I just, everything just /changed/ suddenly. It's... it's kinda hard to adjust, and I know I should just get used to it, and be happy with being free and out here and able to move on with my life. I mean - there's a whole bunch of stuff out here, and people, and things to do, and opportunities. But... it's scary. Suddenly being expected to know what to do? I've never /had/ normal. Now what do I do?" Dorian falls quiet for a moment, signing 'sorry' again, almost out of habit, "Didn't mean to sorta go off like that. It's just. I got out, and then the whole zombie thing, and now school, and, well," he shrugs helplessly. Aloke sighs, and nods, alternately, at different points but mainly just lets Dorian talk. When the young man finally pauses for a breath he sits forward. "It /was/ scary, Dorian. I'm not gonna pretend it wasn't. But no, every effort went into rescuing me. And then? It took weeks before I could even talk about what happened. And I still have regular checkups to make sure I'm adjusting ok. So I get it," Aloke says, getting up to come around the desk and sit in the other guest chair. He spins it around to straddle the chair, facing Dorian and folding his arms across the back of the chair. "I /get/ it, when you talk about being scared, and coming back into the world. I think that's probably why we were paired up." Aloke glances away for a moment, his eyeshine flashing across the wall and the door to his office, before coming back to regard Dorian. "But you don't have to decide everything, and figure it all out /right now/. Ok? We're not part of some public school, and we're not on a clock. Xavier's is a place to find yourself, and we have all the time you need." Dorian nods, and lets his eyes wander over the desk idly, mainly trying to avoid Aloke's gaze, though he is listening intently, if his ears are any indication. "That really sounds terrifying. I mean, I've seen some scary stuff, a lot of stuff. Years of it. But... Did... did you know people were trying to help? To rescue you?" he asks quietly, ruffling the fur on the top of his arm absentmindedly, "All the years in the labs, I thought no one would come for me. That no one cared. I was told my family didn't want me, that that's why I was there. I just... there wasn't any sense in hoping for a rescue, since no one would miss me." He heaves a heavy sigh, shaking his head, although there is a faint tensing in his posture when Aloke moves to the other side of the desk, but Dorian forces himself to relax again almost instantly. "Everyone else just seems so... well adjusted. Even people who were in there before, or with me. Like they're moving on, and I'm just... stuck, still. I'm older than most of them. But I was so little when I got in. It all seems like a dream, the stuff before, back home." Another exasperated ruffle of his hair, accompanied by a wince as he catches his hand on the pierced ear. "Thank you. For just letting me talk. I know it's probably boring as hell, but, um, it's kinda good to get to say it out loud. To someone who gets it?" he admits quietly, arms still hugging his knees to his chest. "Yeah," Aloke says softly. "I could see them trying to help me actually. But after years… I started to lose hope. And then I gave up." Aloke takes a deep breath just letting that hang out there in the air between them. "But the people here? They brought me back from that place, and the fact is, I couldn't have done it by myself." Aloke shrugs and smiles at his advisee. "Dorian, don't be alarmed, but I'd like to squeeze your shoulder. I mean it as a friendly gesture, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable." When he sees Dorian nod, Aloke does too, and reaches out to squeeze his shoulder, lingering there with the reassuring weight of touch. "You're not stuck. And you're not boring. I'm here for you, and so is every member of our faculty. But I hope you'll consider me particularly at your service. I only want to help, Dorian." "I can't really remember when I gave up. I had no sense of time, in there, at least at first, and I... I think I must have been sedated for a while, because everything is just so blurry. And foggy. All I remember is being alone. Just... isolation. For so long. It must have been years, maybe? But I don't know. No people, not even scientists," Dorian offers with a shiver, closing his eyes, "I don't do good on my own. Like, without other people around. Eventually... that was my punishment. Being kept alone, away from other people, if I made them mad. Or didn’t do as I was told." There's a curious look, a head tilt and ear twitch, at the warning about the incoming touch, but he nods, and just relaxes contentedly with the contact. "Still not used to people warning or asking before doing that. I don't mind contact, or being touched, issok," he says quietly, chin resting against his knees, shoulders less tensed than before. He's quiet for a long time, just lost in thought over the conversation, "Again, thank you. For telling me about what happened to you. It sucks, but… it’s kinda good to know I’m not the only one missing a chunk of time, not the only one who knows what that’s like. And for letting me talk. I like getting to talk. Quiet kinda makes me nervous." As though the insistent chatter weren’t a clue to that. "It's ok, I don't mind talking about it now. But that's why I asked too," Aloke says with a warm smile. "Some people who've been through what we have really aren't comfortable with contact at first, or maybe even for a long time. But that's my point. We have all the time in the world. And you don't have to be alone if you don't want to. Part of my hope as your advisor is that I can be here for you when you /do/ want to talk. Or ask questions. About pretty much anything. I'll answer as best I can. I promise." Aloke runs a hand along the side of his head, ruffling the white at his temples. "I know it's hard to trust us, and get settled in here, but I hope you'll give it a shot at least. Everything happens at your own pace. The tutors, your schoolwork, contacting your family - just let me know how you want to do it, and I'll help you through it, ok?" Dorian shakes his head, saying quietly with a heavy sigh, “I don’t know if I’ll ever really be okay to talk about some of the stuff that I saw.” One hand idly pets his tail, smoothing the dark fur down while the appendage remains curled around his ankles. “S’not a matter of trust, really. I’m… mmm… I’ve been told I’m too trusting? That that’s parta my problem - I already trust everyone here. Because, well, what’s the worst it could be? One long, elaborate test, or a hallucination brought on by some other new test in the labs? I mean… I’ve kinda been through a lot of stuff - at least if this is all a test, it’s pleasant for once?” Dorian offers with a resigned shrug and a lopsided smile, apparently not too disturbed by his own potentially existential crisis. The grin falters at the mention of contacting his family, and Dorian sighs, “I guess with the quarantine lifted, I don’t really have an excuse to not contact them. Other than not knowing how or what to say to them.” He ruffles his hair, messing up the already unruly curls, “Is there a way for me to see if they still live where I think they did? I… I don’t remember the address anymore - I know their names, and it was always a tiny little town, but I… ok, I’m probably stalling more with this. Just… scared they won’t be ok with me.” Aloke scoots his chair, and flips it around, so he's sitting next to Dorian, reaching out to give the young man a firm side-hug. "We don't have to contact your family if you don't want to, especially because you're old enough, but also… yeah, not every family can deal with a mutant son. That's a hard fact, but it's true. I don't know anything about your people, but I'm pretty sure we can track them down pretty easily. Maybe let you get a sneak peek before you decide to call them. Either way, it's completely up to you." Dorian leans willingly into the hug, but does not unwrap his arms from around his knees, or do much else to change the way he is sitting. This close, there is actually a faintly earthy smell to him, beneath the obvious vaguely floral soap smell. “Thanks,” he says quietly, huffing a long sigh out through his nose as he relaxes again. “It’s not that they were disappointed in me or anything. I… well, I was born like this. Not all mutations manifest at puberty, some are visible at birth - I was fuzzy, and had deformed ears, webbed hands and feet, and the whole tail thing when I came out. We lived in the middle of literal nowhere Maine - if they had wanted to get rid of me, they woulda done it way before second grade, and no one woulda batted an eye,” he explains, looking at his hands as he talks. “Even if it was just parta my mutation, they seemed to love me. I… well, I used to think they let me go because they thought they were getting me help, that they’d see me again. I mean, my memory is fuzzy, but I kinda remember them saying ‘We’ll seeya soon.’ when I saw them last. Or maybe it’s wishful thinking or something.” Shaking his head, he continues, words spilling out in a near constant stream, “Shane says that ‘m bein’ cold for not contactin’ them, since I had the chance, and they seemed to love me, I think, and that I’m mean for not trying harder right away when I got out. Jax says they’re likely already hurtin’ from me bein’ gone so long, and that I should try. Because not knowing where your kids are is torture for parents.” Burying his head against his knees, likely to hide his tear dampened cheeks, Dorian shudders, his voice quiet, “But, what if they really did just want to get rid of me? I… I don’t wanna get hurt. And contactin’ them means taking a chance that they’ll turn out to be not what I remember. And that’ll break me.” "I agree with Jax, Dorian," Aloke says quietly. "It would be a good idea to contact them /eventually/, but there's no clock on this, bud. I bet they miss you. I really do. But you have to take care of /you/ too, ok? And there's no shame in taking what time you need." Aloke gives Dorian another warm side-hug before getting up and walking around to his side of the desk again. "If I learned anything in my recovery, it's all about taking the hard decisions one day at a time. It's not going to be today? Ok, that's cool. Just decide, and enjoy the rest of your day. It comes in time, I promise. Feeling normal again." "I know. I know I'm not ready yet. And if that makes me a bad person, so be it. But... after everything that has gone on... well, here's hoping I recognize normal when I see it, because I honestly don't know if there's really an 'again' to be had," Dorian says with a shake of his head, offering a shrug and a half-hearted smile. "Thank you again. For talking to me for so long. I really appreciate it, Mr. Suresh," he says with a brighter smile, uncurling himself and standing up, "Is it okay if I go now, or was there other stuff you needed to talk to me about?" He tilts his head slightly with the question, apparently either unwilling to, or unable to leave without permission. "Yeah, what's 'normal' anyway, huh? Damn good question, in my opinion." Aloke smiles warmly from across the desk, and then stands as well when Dorian gets up. "Yes, I think we're all done here, but I am happy to talk /any/ time, Dorian. Literally. Middle of the night, just dial my extension. You're not alone here." He reaches across the desk to shake hands again. Apparently he believes in coaching the old manners as well. "I'll see you soon." Dorian actually chuckles slightly at the ‘normal’ quip, and offers a bemused shrug, “I… I guess I’ll find out, eventually. In theory.” His posture is a lot more relaxed and at ease as he reaches out to shake Aloke’s hand, smiling broadly. “Thank you, again. Really. And I’ll see you soonish, I guess, or around and stuff. It was good talking to you,” he says with a confident nod, before offering a wave and heading out the door - visibly less panicked and rushed than at the start of the meeting.