ArchivedLogs:Texting One-Handed

Texting One-Handed
Dramatis Personae Hive, Jim
In Absentia	2013-03-12 Jim found a thing. NOW WHAT?
Location Cellphones
(Jim --> Hive): So I have some good news and some bad news. (Hive --> Jim): Shit, are you breaking up with me? (Jim --> Hive): It's not you, it's me. (Hive --> Jim): Jegus, you take a guy on a slaughterfest ONE TIME. (Jim --> Hive): I'm out of half and half. And gauze. (Hive --> Jim): You're dumping me because you need more half and half? Fucking high-maintenance, I might as well date Shelby. (Hive --> Jim): ... why gauze, man, we have SEVEN TONS of it over here. (Jim --> Hive): You should bring me some, I shot a guy a little. (Hive --> Jim): A little. (Hive --> Jim): Should I ask why? (Jim --> Hive): It seemed like a good idea at the tiem. I guess that's the god news. You sitting dwon? (Jim --> Hive): Shut texting onehanded (Jim --> Hive): *shit (Hive --> Jim): JEGUS, man, I know you're into my but my texts haven't been THAT titillating. (Hive --> Jim): I'm not sitting down asshole there's seven million traumavictims here I'm grocery shopping. What's up? (Hive --> Jim): I got you half and half, by the way. (Jim --> Hive): Youre the best. Remember that guy that fucked up Shelby's arm? (Hive --> Jim): Yes. (Hive --> Jim): Uh. Shit. You know we probably need him alive to fix that shit. (Hive --> Jim): ... I'll get more gauze. (Jim --> Hive): and a cream egg. and a ficus. (Hive --> Jim): What the fuck is a ficus. (Jim --> Hive): its green i'm gonna eat it. (Jim --> Hive): And duct tape. (Jim --> Hive): you still legion? (Hive --> Jim): Yeah. I got a full house here. Duct tape. I'm just getting you SOMETHING GREEN, I hope you know. (Jim --> Hive): not lettuce. That shit is empty calories. (Hive --> Jim): I'm getting you fucking bok choi, roundeyes. (Jim --> Hive): fuck you squinty. (Jim --> Hive): uh maybe you should hurry I don't know when he's going to wake up (Hive --> Jim): Just hit him some more. (Jim --> Hive): pistol whipping is not an exact sedation science dude (Jim --> Hive): you know what's also green? (Jim --> Hive): dinosaurs. (Hive --> Jim): I'm not getting you a fucking dinosaur what the hell. (Jim --> Hive): I guess you got me a dragon that was pretty boss (Hive --> Jim): I got the dragon out of my head yesterday thank god I was starting to get fleshcravings. (Hive --> Jim): I still have a fucking god in here though. (Jim --> Hive): if you hear a god in your head, does that make you a prophet? (Hive --> Jim): Yeah. And I am prophesying that what the fuck you crazyass motherfucker you don't just shoot crazy freaks and then keep them. (Jim --> Hive): it is called improvising (Jim --> Hive): The guy was wringing out my arm like a dishrag (Hive --> Jim): Maybe you shouldn't have been stupid enough to touch him dude. (Hive --> Jim): Shelby. Lobsterclaw. C'mon. (Jim --> Hive): i can totally fix this i think (Jim --> Hive): or else I'm shooting out his other foot who does this shit (Hive --> Jim): Why do you think people hate freaks? (Jim --> Hive): Don't sell me your apologist bullshit I learned how to grow two inch mesquite thorns. (Jim --> Hive): I can become the hug you do not want to have. (Hive --> Jim): I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a counterargument, but two inch mesquite thorns are ALSO why people hate freaks. (Jim --> Hive): learn to love, man. Let me in. (Hive --> Jim): Take that shit to Jax and Ryan they're the tree-huggers. (Jim --> Hive): don't be like that. (Jim --> Hive): Everyone knows you find hives in the heart of a tree. also in your attic roof. (Jim --> Hive): or under your front porch. fuckers. (Hive --> Jim): You live in New York, you don't have a front porch. Or an attic. There's barely even any trees. (Jim --> Hive): That's right I'm all you got. (Jim --> Hive): shit. okay. I had to hit him again. (Jim --> Hive): Just get here huh? (Hive --> Jim): Dammit motherfucker okay. Shit.