Logs:Spiraling

Spiraling
Dramatis Personae Polaris, Wendy, Winona
In Absentia	2022-05-18 "I met my--sperm donor."
Location <NYC> Polaris, Wendy, and Winona's Apartment - Lower East Side
This tiny apartment is on the fifth storey of an aging and ill-maintained walk-up, its walls dingy and paper-thin. The living room immediately inside the entrance has space for a couch and a coffee table, but little else, though its windows offer a commanding view of the narrow side street below to anyone who cranes far enough to look past the rusting fire escape. The kitchen is tiny and has no windows at all, but being partly open to the living area is at least not completely claustrophobic. One bedroom is almost the size of the living room, which doesn't say much, and the other is much smaller -- really only intended as a study or home office -- to make room for the single closet-sized bathroom. Even with mostly cheap, second-hand furniture, the place has grown steadily more homey over the months. A creaky futon is flanked by an empty food service drum on one side and two stacked milk crates on the other. In place of a coffee table is a long, low bench with a flowery sarong as a tablecloth. Potted herbs line the windowsills, and whimsical metal sculptures line the walls and tables (or the items serving in place of them). A brightly colorful fused glass mezuzah is mounted in the doorway, while a set of matching candlesticks and goblet sit on a disintegrating radiator cabinet in the living room. Wendy hasn't been home all that long, but it's been just long enough to have a quick post-biking rinse and change out of her work clothes into comfortable flowing white pants and a layered pink top with butterfly sleeves. Not yet long enough to have chosen an after-work snack; she's standing in front of the fridge indecisively, fingers combing idly through her still-damp hair as she surveys the options without enthusiasm. Having returned from classes earlier, Winona is a bit more settled in. She is on the futon, the Switch in her hands as she navigates her way through Asphodel. She looks up, about to say something, but pauses instead to study Wendy's indecision. "I got some blueberry muffins on the way home today. Should be in the cupboard." She is wearing a pair of forest green pyjama pants, and a pink graphic tank top that depicts a stylized image of a ghost. "If you are looking for something sweet." The front door opens and Polaris sweeps in like a person-shaped storm, her nerves jangling almost palpably even if her powers remain firmly in check. She's wearing a green tee shirt featuring a cartoon polar bear sprouting magnetic field vectors, black jeans, and her usual assortment of steel accessories. "Hey!" She wriggles out of her boots and pads over to unload her Evolve Cafe canvas tote onto the counter--a few grocery items they were running short on, several more they probably do not need, and a mylar baggie of marijuana. "Ooh muffins!" But when she dips into the kitchen it's only to pour herself probably more vodka than she should be drinking without a meal in an ancient cobalt blue mug printed with the blue and white seal of the United Federation of Planets. "What are you thinking for dinner? I got the rainbow pasta it's totally pasta salad season." "From where?" Wendy is asking critically, about the muffins, but that does not stop her from drifting to the cupboard to pluck one out. She tears off a paper towel to use as a muffin-plate and is just turning for the living room when Polaris arrives. Silent, she sets the muffin down on the counter, beginning to put away the assortment of groceries. "Someone gave me a fully wrong address so there's an entire huge bag of Filipino food in the fridge. I can't eat it but you all are welcome." "There's a vegan bakery not far from campus that one of my classmates insisted I try, so..." Winona shrugs to punctuate the thought. "They're actually really good." She pauses the game and looks up when the door swings open, opting not to get up and crowd the kitchen by trying to help. Her eyes linger slightly at the vodka being poured into the mug, and she says, "Hey Polaris. How was your day? I could put together a pasta salad tomorrow maybe." "Oh sorry I was gonna--" It's genuinely hard to tell whether Polaris consciously cut herself off there or just got distracted again, but either way she's taking a gulp of her vodka and sheepishly returning to the groceries she abandoned. "Thanks, I will eat the heck out of some Filipino food but. Aren't you gonna need more than a blueberry muffin though?" She frowns at the jar of artichoke hearts in her hand as though she'd never seen them before, then blinks up at Winona. "Oh my day was. Okay? Kinduva blur though. Whole week's been a blur I don't even..." The jar goes in the pantry. "How was class? Classes." "I might have," Wendy says solemnly, "two blueberry muffin. Don't you think some food before all that vodka might be better on your stomach? Or on -- the week-being-a-blur thing." She's plucking the jar of artichoke hearts from Polaris to stash them in the cupboard. "Classes were..." Winona seems unsure for a few moments, but settles on: "Fine. Less of a blur. More like time got stretched out." She bites her bottom lip and holds it for a few seconds between her teeth. "Yeah, we could get it heated up and then we can have a drink with dinner. Could be better. Than on an empty stomach." Polaris scrunches up one side of her face, but relents. "Alright fair. I wasn't like--dead set on making pasta salad or anything and also Winona's is better than mine. Even with the rainbow pasta." She's shaking the box of tricolor fusilli before actually successfully getting it to the cupboard. Her eyes skip between her housemates, and then her drink, skeptical. "Okay, food first, but the blur isn't because of booze it's cuz--" She snaps her fingers in Winona's direction. "--that. Time dilation. Gosh is it only Wednesday." She's reaching for her mug again, but stops and scrubs her face. "Hey. Sorry, I'm kinda spiraling a little but--shit fuck goddamn motherfucking--" She pushes the heels of her hands into her eye sockets. "I met my--sperm donor." "I do like your pasta salad," Wendy's voice has gone just a little dreamlike. Perhaps she is thinking ahead already to Winona's pasta salad. Her eyes snap to Polaris at this news, though, and her tone has crashed back down to earth with her bemused: "What? You what? When -- where? How did..." Her brows scrunch delicately. "... how did that. Go?" Winona furrows her eyebrows when Polaris mentions it is Wednesday, as if trying to ascertain for herself whether such a claim could be true, but they shoot up at the latter revelation. She puts the Switch aside finally and gets up to her feet, "You met... ? Did he just... How did he find you? Does he have our address?" She puts her hands on her hips and nods in Wendy's direction. "What happened?" "I sorta just--ran into him." But as soon as she's spoken the words Polaris is frowning, uncertain. "Wait I guess...maybe he was looking for me? But no not here." She reaches for the vodka again but shoves her hands under her arms. "He says--mom didn't tell him she was knocked up. He didn't know I existed until he got out." Her head tips back, she breathes in fast and out slow. "All my life I thought he abandoned me but he didn't even know and he now he knows and he wants to actually be my dad but also he's the frakking--" She flails her arms vaguely in the air. "--you know. He's--him. And I am kind of losing it." "I -- see that." Wendy's brows are still pinched. "If he didn't know before how did he find out? Do you -- believe him?" is her first uncertain question, and after this: "Be your dad? Do you want..." This question trails off. Her arms are curling across her chest, tight. "What do you want?" "He wants to actually-- ?" Winona puffs out her cheeks a little and then exhales. "What would it even look like? Like, if he wants to be a father. What's he going to--" She gestures something vaguely with her hands. "Do?" She cups her own cheek in her hand and looks over towards Polaris sympathetically. "I... geez. I get why you might be having a blurry one." "Wow, it--did not even occur to me to ask I was flipping entirely the fuck out at the time." Polaris sinks back against the kitchen counter. "I--I want to believe him. I did at first. Now I dunno but I'm sure as fuck not calling mom like, whoever he is or isn't to me I don't wanna get the man killed. Or thrown back in--" She finally does pick the mug back up for a long gulp, but then, wincing, puts it down as far down the counter as she can. "I don't know. I don't know like I am so fucked up about mom and Arnold just--throwing me away and now here he is telling me--" She runs a hand through her hair, blinking glassy eyes up at the ceiling. "Well. He doesn't know me yet." "You know him, though, Lorna, the man is --" Wendy stops, takes a deep breath, her jaw setting. She picks her muffin back up, picking a blueberry out of it but not eating it. Winona crosses her arms tightly, her lips pressed together in a thin line for a moment. "There's people who do know you, who wouldn't--" Her shoulder hitches, "You've got people who wouldn't throw you away. But this guy, I-- I don't know him, but... I hope you're careful." "I know, I know and I'm not saying--" Polaris digs her knuckles into her temple. "You are my family. I got so much more family now than I ever did back when my quote-parents-unquote thought they wanted me. But I just..." She turns her hand as she drops it, looking down at the steel link cuff around her wrist. "I also know I'm not good at careful, and he's charismatic as fuck. He wants to tell me his story. I wanna hear it. Is that--that's not crazy, is it?" The question does not sound particularly rhetorical. "Yes, it's crazy!" Wendy doesn't quite throw her hands up into the air, but her tone suggests she's restrained herself from doing so. "The man is a murderer how many times over? You can keep on chasing after people who are dead or mass murderers or -- you know, I have no idea what completely unhinged man you'll dig up next to care about more than the people who have been in your life since forever but I --" Her mouth presses into a hard line. "I think," she says finally, slow and quiet, "I'm going to go home for a while." Winona's expression softens when Polaris asks her question, but her hesitation in answering renews at Wendy's exclamation. She looks between the two other women quietly, before resolving to say, "Learning his story... I don't think it's crazy to want to know that kind of. Story. But..." She falls quiet again, either unable or unwilling to complete the thought when her eyes turn to Wendy. The mere fact that Polaris does not start yelling probably indicates she isn't completely surprised by Wendy's reaction, but her words come out fast and clipped with anger. "I don't know, and I don't know the circumstances except what the media says. I would be dead if Leo hadn't killed that merc at Rikers and that is fucked up but we're at war, and you know how the news paints him. I'm not 13 anymore, I don't worship the guy, and how is hearing his side of our history caring more about him than--I'm not--" She slumps a little further and turns a helpless imploring look at Winona. "I guess I am driving you away." All the fight has gone out of her voice, and though her shoulder are tense and her jaw tight, she holds the tears back at least. "I don't want to do that. I'll--I'll try harder, okay? Just--" She takes a deep breath. "Have a safe trip." After a brief, awkward hesitation she pushes away from the counter. With a flex of her hand she sends the wire rings to bring her mug back within reach, then takes it and herself out onto the fire escape. "Fuck you, Polaris," is all Wendy gets out, with clenched teeth and hands clenched so hard they're shaking, before Polaris leaves the conversation. One balled-up fist lifts to scrub at her eyes, and her breaths are faster and harder than before. "I'm sorry," she says to Winona, "I shouldn't..." But this just trails off, momentarily helpless and lost. She glances to the fire escape, and then to Winona. "...I don't know if I'm going to come back." Winona watches, uncertainty in her expression, as Polaris goes off to the deck. The uncertainty is supplanted by a wetness in her eyes as she walks towards Wendy, to wrap her in a hug. She is quiet for a moment, and speaks softly when the words come. "I understand. I hope you do. You also have-- I hope you know you always have a place. I will make a place. But I understand."