ArchivedLogs:Practicing Not Caring

Practicing Not Caring
What to do when you care
Dramatis Personae Ivan, Rasa	2013-05-05 Ivan practices not caring about Peter with Rasa. We find out: Ivan Cares.
Location <XS> Ivan and Peter's Dorm
The first thing one might notice upon entering this dorm room is the almost constant, low drone that emanates from almost a dozen terraria, situated mainly on and around one of the two desks present. Inside of them are plants, sand, bits of driftwood and a /lot/ of different insects and arachnids, all making their respective little noises. Krrt, chkk chkk. The other desk houses no such creatures, but it does have a laptop. There is a poster of a Dalek hanging next to a small television perched atop a few game consoles, a three-seater with a dark brown coffee table in front of it, two dressers and beds on the far side of the room. One is made quite neatly, the other... not so much. Books are strewn across pillow and sheets, mostly English and Russian-language. An even greater number is piled precariously next to the bed. Numerous postcards depicting well-known European and some Russian cities are taped to the wall above it. This dorm room looks pretty much... as it always does, on a Saturday. It's got an Ivan in it, dressed in faded jeans and a simple brown t-shirt, sitting on his bed with a plethora of books piled up next to him. But there's also a box. A wooden crate-looking thing, save for the fact that there isn't an opening on it. It... actually vaguely sort of looks like a minature bee hive. Ivan himself looks unconcerned with the thing. He's more focused on the phone he's currently holding over a book in his lap, typetypetyping tragically slowly, his expression blank save for the occasional eyebrow twitch that manages to escape him. Music and random noises quietly drone out from the TV, seeping out into the hallway due to a door left slightly ajar. He's apparently been attempting to watch a Russian movie while reading and texting all at once. It's probably not been very successful. At some point there is a soft knock at the door. A Rasa is there. Ze is patient though, and waits without announcing hirself. Nnh? When Ivan rises, the pile of books next to him leeaaans with the shifting of weight, only to tumble over in a papery rustle, right onto the ground. He pauses his movements to pick a few of them up again to pile them /next/ to the bed. The last few are just taken them over to the door, and he opens it properly with the books precariously pressed to his stomach-- a little disheveled looking, but mostly just surprised, eyebrows up. "... I thought you were having fun." Rasa's hijab has made its way around hir shoulders, her bronze colored skin exposed once ze arrived safely at the school. Ze tilts hir head to one side and considers the young man in front of hir and reaches out with a gloved hand to caress his cheek. "I could not have fun. Not with Peter missing. Not with you upset. Besides, Shelby needed to check on the twins to make sure they are okay. She will also probably have some more sex, so I was not exactly invited to come." What exactly causes it is not immediately clear, but redness creeps along Ivan's face all too easily. Then-- oh no, he /fumbles/ to keep the books from falling out from under his arms, turning to wander back into the dormroom to let them messily tumble down onto a three-seater, instead. "I am sorry." He starts, frowning down at the books before turning back to Rasa again. "I did not mean to-- there was. I am not sure if." Sentences. They're hard. So instead, he just meanders over again, apparently to attempt a /very/ careful hug. Rasa wraps Ivan up in a hug, keeping him in close and tight before leaning in to give him the quickest kiss on the side of his neck that ze can manage. It is quick enough to avoid telepathic connections and fast enough to steer clear of a morphic change. Ze just holds him for a while, hands rubbing his back. "It's not your fault, Ivan. We all get upset when the people we care about are in trouble. Please don't apologize." The kiss, quick as it may be, causes Ivan's muscles to /twitch/ with a slight delay. But that only results in his hug tightening, his eyebrows coming back down with a /vengeance/. He looks a little frustrated, concerned and confused all at once. Also not quite letting /go/, just kind of... leaning. "Okay. No apologies." A beat's pause, then, more quietly and into Rasa's shoulder, "Did they run again. The twins." "Not that I know of, but I can text Shelby and ask her." Rasa replies, using most of hir concentration to keep Ivan upright when he starts leaning. Ze may have not been prepared for that. However, ze keeps holding him and rubbing his back gently. "It's just... you know, bad things happen, we all kind of freak out and it's good to make sure that the people we care about are safe and okay. I wanted to be here, with you, make sure you were okay." Fortunately, the leaning stops. He straightens again to look Rasa in the eyes, brow furrowed before he takes a deep breath. An exhale seems to smooth his features over a bit, if only by force. "I am trying not to care as much. Because it is probably okay. /I/ am okay. I have--" He looks over his shoulder, to count all of the things that make everything okay, "--books and things to do, and pets, and the television, and /you/ came over which makes me even more okay." He looks at hir again, this time with the weakest of smiles. "It makes me /good/." Rasa smoothes his hair with hir gloved hand and sighs as ze studies his face back. "Okay. Well, then. We shall have to have to spend some time together this weekend, and hopefully keep our minds off of things while we wait for Peter to come back. If he's gone too long, we will go find Ms. Tatters and see if she can help us find him." Ze exhales and releases Ivan, looking around the room for a place to sit. "Besides, maybe the teachers will find him first. I will ask Logan to look." "Thank you." Ivan's reply is slightly hurried, because almost as soon as Rasa looks around, he's darted back into the room to pick up the books off the three-seater again. There may be, uh, some buzzing coming from his bed, as he wanders past it to place the books on his desk. That box, in particular. Bzz. It's a little clearer, still, when with the help of a remote, the TV is popped into silent stand-by. "I called my parents, as well. They told me," The pitch of his voice raises juust slightly - hinting at the fact that maybe he talked to his mother, accent /doubly/ heavy, "'you worry too much, find some nice food, relax'." He looks vaguely skeptical of this suggestion, even as he repeats it. "Do you need to eat? I ate a little while ago, but if you need to eat, I can go down to the kitchens and find you something." Rasa is attempting to be helpful, but the speed at which ze speaks does not reassure anyone, least of all hirself. Ze instead reaches out and takes Ivan's hand, when it does not look like he will pull away. It is easily grabbed, and though Ivan looks just slightly like he wants to go fidget over /there/ or fix something in the dorm over /there/ in order to distract himself some more, he eventually just takes another deep breath, and stands still. Just staring at Rasa, now. Wait what was happening, again? Staring at Rasa is what is happening, veeery slowly shaking his head in response to the question. Rasa moves over to the three seater and slowly sits down in one corner, pulling Ivan down to sit with hir. "Then we should just watch some TV or something. Maybe play some games?" Ze is pulling Ivan close, cuddling him if he lets hir. "Does that sound nice?" Fwoomf - Ivan sits, somewhat gracelessly. Cuddling is very, very much allowed. if him physically relaxing is any indication, even if he doesn't quite seem to know what to /do/ with it. The buzzing over from the box on the bed ceases. "Yes." This comes out a lot more certain that his movements, leaning into hir still oh so carefully. A little distractedly, "... But also. I had a question." "A question?" Rasa asks, gloved fingers stroking Ivan's hair. "What is it?" "How long can someone..." Ivan stops again, halfway through, eyes narrowing in thought as he stares toward hir. "... /I/ touch your skin. Without you changing. And feeling." "I don't know. Five, ten seconds." Rasa considers quietly. "I haven't exactly timed it." Ze looks down at Ivan and studies his expression. "It depends, I guess, also, on how much I want to know about the other person. Maybe as long as I can hold my breath, if I'm concentrating." Ze looks a little concerned. "Why?" The concern shown seems to infect Ivan's face as well, along with that redness finding it again. His eyebrows push closer together despite him visibly trying to keep them from doing so, like he's just said something terrible, terribly wrong and he's unsure of how to fix it. He /almost/ slips right back into quiet-mode, but /forces/ words out a moment later. "I do not... know I thought maybe." Not exactly helping. One more deep breath. Then he turns slightly, slips an arm onto hir shoulder and leans. To very tentatively try to kiss hir on the -- forehead. Apparently. Rasa's hands slide up and press against Ivan's chest and shoulders, keeping him back for the time being. "Look, Ivan, here's the thing..." ze begins, letting out an exhale. "If you want to kiss me, that's great. I want to kiss you, too. But if you're afraid of my mutation, you should just... not all together." Ze squeezes hir eyes closed and tilts hir head down and away. "I don't really want to, if you're afraid of me." Whh? No foreheadkiss. This means Ivan's face is now a sad one, staring at Rasa's as if he just plain does not understand what just happened. He thuds his back against the sofa again, too uncomfortable with being pressed back. "But..." He pauses, but the buzzing starting up from the box on the bed again makes up for the silence inserted between words. "I do not know if I am. I can not know that I am scared of a thing I have not seen yet." Somewhat more quietly, his own eyes staying very much open as they focus intently on one of his own knees, he adds, "I was going to /find out/." Rasa peels a glove off one hand and holds it out, putting it directly in his field of vision, between eyes and his knees. "Here. Find out." Ivan's eyebrows shoot back up. What? But then... as if to purposefully keep himself from gathering up any second thoughts, he dips back into determination and reaches to grip that hand almost /instantly/. The shift begins immediately, Rasa's features and coloration melting away to be replaced by Ivan's features and skin color, lines appearing across RasaIvan's skin, images and words, things he feels in the original Ivan's mind displayed for the world to see. There's also a sense of pressure, a sense of Rasa inside Ivan's brain, leaning in and embracing him, looking around and getting a sense for his brain, being with him, as close as any being can. << Is it so bad? >> Ivan's brain is not an overly complicated thing - as frank and honest as he usually is with people, ithat is pretty much the extent of his thought process. Above all and what likely appears first on RasaIvan's skin is-- it's Russian, actually. Russian for 'I don't know what I'm doing', followed by an English 'please don't be upset' and another Russian equivalent of 'please don't let me fuck up, I promise I will at least try'. His feelings much reflect the phrases, wanting to /stay/ to see where this leads, though somewhat hesitant of what may be the result. Mostly because most of the possibly results he has lined up in his head? They're bad. It's flickerings of images of Rasa walking away, or Rasa looking sad, or angry. They're stuffed deep down into his brain but there nonetheless, but they are covered in a thin veil of something more positive. Rasa at the Valentine's day dance, Rasa at the library exchanging notes with him, Rasa on the couch they're sitting on /right now/, smiling brightly. That one may not have happened yet, perhaps more wish than memory. It zips away. To make room for more recent things in his brain, much more simply wishing to be /close/. Closer than cuddling on the couch playing games allows. Finally, though... as he's looking at... himself? There really isn't much fighting. It's fascination more than anything that takes him over, head cocking to the side as he peers at his mirror image. Eyes squinting, jaw-- dropping. << {No.} >> "... You are /amazing/." << {I mean in your-- what you do, not your-- me, I'm not... buh.} >> << I do not understand your Russian, still, but I can infer some meaning. >> Rasa admits after a moment, his hand continuing to squeeze the real Ivan's as his face smiles. << I want you to be at peace with me. >> RasaIvan's other hand reaches out to pull him closer, focusing a little on the memories of Rasa happy, or how Ivan pictures Rasa to be happy and then pushes a little harder, inserting a little more of hirself into the melee of thoughts. The effort puts a little more of hirself in hir face, inky bits of warm yellow skin creeping accross RasaIvan's face and blending with Ivan's paler skin. << Maybe a kiss now? >> The words suggested to him roll around in Ivan's head but doesn't quite seem to hit anywhere in particular. He's far too fascinated by what the hell he's looking at, and Rasa gets a nice lesson in a handful of Russian profanities brought on purely by /amazement/. His eyes briefly flit downwards but then land on that familiar face in front of him again. There's a certain little spike of happiness as yellow starts to creep across there, but the question is still met with some amount of hesitation. His free hand lifts, to touch his own cheek first, then-- his... cheek on RasaIvan's side? His own cheek? Hirs? His? There's doubt but it's definitely not the bad kind. In fact, he's smiling now, if somewhat nervously so. << { Yes.} >> Simple, as usual. His eyes squeeze shut, and he leans into the pull. ... Meanwhile, the bees? They're still there, on that bed. About three hundred of them. And with the excitement at hand, they're starting to bristle and buzz again, now, outside of Ivan's head and /in/, thinly layering on top of his mind with an endless stream of information on the inside of the box on his bed. Wood, darkness, number of bees near one another, temperature and amount of noise, mostly useless bits and bobs, but constantly droning to have attention paid to them. Not harmful so much as utterly /present/. Rasa's mind pulls away from the bee consciousness, trying to slip underneath it, avoid it, but it is distracting. But as ze feels Ivan grow nearer, ze begins to focus on the physical more, the heat of his body next to hir thigh, the feel of his hand against hir cheek, the light brush of his breath against hir skin and finally, the slight buzz at the proximity of his lips. Ze swallows hard at the incoming, worried hir lips will be too wet, then dampening the lower one slightly, now afraid they'll be too dry. Instead, in a rush, ze closes the distance between them and kisses him hard, waiting anxiously on the rush of sensation that Ivan will feel. It's a bunch of things all at /once/. What Rasa receives back from Ivan is, in so many ways, the total opposite from what was felt in Shane's head - the crumbling of unfamiliarity reigns. It's untreaded ground, it's completely off the beaten path and it's /exciting/ in a way that hasn't even begun to be compartmentalised yet. Like it's not /actually/ happening because it /can't/ be, but it /is/. Inklings of doubt about several subjects at once pop up but stand little chance of staying around long enough to gather real attention, swatted down by the stuff smiles are made of. At the same time, though, there's also something more familiar that pops up. Even if it is hesitant and /new/, there is the urge to just sort of push further, that hand on the cheek sliding down toward the neck instead as the kiss is returned. A little-- clumsily and stiffly, maybe, eyes kept very much shut. Rasa continues to preserver, tugging at the happy, smile making thoughts and trying to be more real in his mind, presenting the image of them kissing as a good thing, but only hesitantly so, not wanting to make it seem like ze was forcing him to enjoy it. Instead, ze just breaks the kiss, letting hir forehead rest against Ivan's, hir eyes closed, hir arms wrapped around his torso, definitely wanting to be close, but feeling Ivan's discomfort and giving him space. Ivan's own limbs don't seem to know quite what to do with themselves, his hands dropping to rest by Rasa's sides. The happy is GOOD, and it stays in his mind like a sugary coating, but something in him is glad the kiss is broken, but only so he has his mouth again. To use for the words. One of his eyes pops open, but only so he can search for one of Rasa's. "... I am glad." It's admitted with a smile, though. A little lopsided, due to the /appearance/ of the face he's searching in return. "It is not as.... difficult as I..." << thought it would be? >> The discomfort is still there, though. Not necessarily negative, but definitely /strange/. Something else occurs to him, then, and it comes out the moment it pops into his head, smile waning under the weight of a new load of concern. "Are you okay?" Rasa gives a little nod, not so much to break skin contact, but definitely to give hir approval of the situation. "Yes. I am fine. It's just... very different with you. I mean, I should expect anyone I touch to be different, but you are... special." Hir skin is clouding up with the words of the bees that ze is dismissing, the information scrolling across half of hir face, the Ivan half, like scrolling lines of text from a computer terminal. It is processed by Rasa's brain, but dismissed for the most part. The other side of hir face and hir eye on that side is colored pink and yellow, happy colors, tinged with little bits of gold and perhaps some silver, 'hesitance' and 'concern' written on hir cheek. "You sure you're okay?" Now it's time for Ivan to nod, and he does so enthusiastically! Leaning-- back a little so he doesn't nod directly into Rasa's face. But he's smiling again, possibly brighter than Rasa's seen from him so far. Even the /bees/ seem happy with the words he hears, calming considerably in their box. Some even doze right off to sleep. As they should have been the whole time, apparently. "I am /great/. I am actually really-- this is very strange." And he's right back to fascination, both eyes opening to peer happily at the face in front of him while reaching for a hand to trail a finger across from one kind of skin to the next. Just-- just in time for his expression to fall again. Ohh no. Guilt wraps heavily around his brain like a blanket, engulfing his and foreign thoughts alike. A blanket with a name embroidered right on top of it: Peter. Rasa nods and leans against Ivan, hir eyes closing. "I should go find Logan. Get them started looking." And yet, strangely enough, ze is not getting up from their embrace. "Just think about how happy Peter is going to be for you when we find him. Because we're going to find him. Okay?" More nods from Ivan. This time, slightly slower. He, too, is hesitant to let go. "Okay." He doesn't sound too convinced, but he /tries/. All the while just giving Rasa another hug. Not careful this time! In fact, maybe a little tiny bit tighter than is comfortable for most. HNNHsquish. Then, he adds, "Peter will be the /happiest/." He buries his face briefly against the side of hir head with a mix of lingering happy and determination whirring through his head. Only then does he let go again. Rasa does hug him back, giving him a good squeeze, but no where near as tight as Ivan's grasp. When he releases, Rasa begins to pull away, finally, looking reluctant as ze does. "If anyone can find him, it'll be Logan. He's got a keen sense of smell and really great reflexes." Ze starts to get to hir feet and sighs as ze looks back at Ivan. "I'll come see you again later, okay?" Ivan's smile returns, but he stays put. Like he's been /told/ to. Still practising not caring! He's not... doing very well, maybe, considering his hands move to a jeans pocket, where his phone is. Maybe there's a Peter message! His eyes stay on Rasa, though, at at the very least he looks about ten times as cheerful as he did when ze first arrived. NOD. He sits up as straight as he possibly can. Then, "... Don't disappear as well." "I won't. Believe me. I intend to be safe." Which are probably not useful words, given that they are similar to what Peter said before he left. Rasa turns instead and heads for the door, waving to Ivan. "I'll be back, I promise." And then ze leaves.