Logs:Lighter Touch

Lighter Touch
Fast Sunday
Dramatis Personae DJ, Polaris
In Absentia	2021-10-03 They have to be listening to you in order to hear you, you know?"
Location <NYC> Manhattan Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - Lincoln Square
Unlike most other temples of the Church, this one was converted from an existing building, slick and modern, with a single corner spire supporting the iconic statue of the Angel Moroni. Much of the interior is stark white but comfortably appointed, simple adornments rich with LDS symbolism throughout its five labyrinthine storeys. Besides the temple proper and the chapel, the building provides a variety of spaces for the spiritual, social, and business needs of the stake. Though fast and testimony has formally concluded, plenty of congregants are lingering in the chapel for pleasantries, filtering out slowly so as not to seem too eager to depart. Polaris is schooling herself with obvious difficulty to leave in a dignified fashion, complete with demure smiles and farewells. This is not likely fooling anyone with regards her mental state after the frenetic energy of her testimony earlier--a rambling account that began with reflections on white supremacy in the scripture and ended in yet another impassioned exhortation to liberatory action. She's dressed more or less modestly, in an emerald green corset with a gauzy white blouse beneath it that covers whatever the corset might otherwise accentuate, a long voluminous black riding skirt, and slouchy gray boots with just a low, chunky heel. She may be pushing the envelope in the not-drawing-attention department, but she might also reasonably point out that is a lost cause no matter what she wears. Probably she would not, at this very moment, point that out reasonably. DJ hasn't been lingering so much as waylaid, accosted by a knot of earnest young men whose conversation has included several none-too-subtle glances and gestures in Polaris's direction. DJ isn't making a particular effort to be dignified about his departure, his smile a touch strained and his peeling-away from them somewhat abrupt. Far less eye-catching than Polaris, he's just in a white button-down and grey slacks, no tie, one sleeve pinned neatly at his side. He makes his way to Polaris's side with a lift of eyebrows and a tip of his head toward the door. "When the Prophet said within the Lord's guidelines there is room to be lively and vibrant you took that to heart." There's no trace of sarcasm in his quiet words. Polaris's smile at DJ's comment is quick and bright and not particularly demure. "I can get with modesty, but you know. If I can't dance it's not my revolution. All that." The words spill from her in rapid staccato, but she manages to keeps her voice quiet, at least. "So, what are they mad about this time?" She glances back--subtly!--at the group from which DJ has just extracted himself. "Sorry, not mad. Concerned. Is it the clothes or the testimony or the whole being single thing?" She draws a deep, slow breath before continuing more evenly. "Anyway you don't have to like. Gossip or whatever. How have you been I mean I've seen you around but I haven't seen you around. Granted I've been kinduva shut-in all summer." "I think somewhere between calling Brigham Young a Nazi and trying to convince everyone the church should be an anarchist commune --" DJ shrugs, holding the door for Polaris on the way out of the chapel. "A few concerns. People seem to think I'm a good person to talk to you. Probably on account of the whole --" He tucks his hand into a pocket, his eyes skating up towards the ceiling. "-- probably not because of the crazy, actually, though given I can't remember half my summer maybe it should be. Are things looking up or down for you? I can never really decide." Polaris sighs dramatically. "I didn't mean to upset people, but what I said was literally Church history and I didn't call him a Nazi--" She breaks off, her wide eyes going even wider. "Oh frak did I call him a Nazi? My point was we can and should learn from the wisdom and mistakes of the prophets." Even though they've left the chapel she still lowers her voice further to add, "Especially mistakes like codifying white supremacy." Glancing aside at DJ, she arches one extremely skeptical eyebrow. "Yeah no I don't think it's because of the crazy." Her shoulders and jaw tighten visibly, then relax. "Definitely on the way up. I dunno if that's looking up but I guess it's a change of pace. Just..." She folds her arms across her chest to stop--or at least conceal--the jittery movement of her intricate woven wire bracelets. "I've been rapid cycling for like most of the past year and it's exhausting. I'm sorry you've had a rough summer, too. Not that mine probably even compares. Wanna talk about it?" "In theory, that's what we're always called to do. In practice --" Now there is a dry note slipping into DJ's voice. "The Church in my world was never too great at admitting mistakes either. There are some things I wish weren't quite so familiar. Continuing revelation should make it so much easier to change and grow and yet --" The shake of his head is small, as is the flick of his eyes to Polaris's jittering bracelets. "I probably hold a conversation-ending trump card or two with most people if we were turning bad luck into a competitive sport but I'm not sure it works like that. Your year'd probably be just as exhausting if I'd never --" He cuts himself off here, a sudden flush in his cheeks as his gaze fixes on the ground. It takes a second before he finds words again, a little less confident than before. "-- sorry. I hope the fall is less. Exhausting." Polaris nods emphatically. "Right?! The Church could be so radical. Was, way back, despite the flaws. But somewhere along the way..." She reaches out to trace her fingertips over the wooden relief of a beehive embedded in the wall as they pass it. "Like, the US government will crush anyone who rocks the boat." Her voice is suddenly quavery and she tenses again. "So maybe selling out was survival. That's complicated, but 'complicated' doesn't just cancel out the harm." Her gaze abruptly shifts to DJ again, all the more unnervingly intense for her dilated pupils. "It doesn't. Work that way." She still doesn't sound quite steady. "I just didn't want to dismiss your trauma as 'a rough summer.'" Tearing her eyes away from him, she blushes, too, the color striking on skin so pale. "I'm sure mine would have still been shi--bad. Maybe yours, too. But it's different when you have a support network." She swallows hard. "That can be rough, too. I wouldn't have had much of one after--well. I do, cuz people reached out and kept reaching out." Her mood shifts precipitously, bright and animated once more. "Oh hey I'm down to do support! I got so much energy and should spend less of it scandalizing the stake and more of it helping people." "There's other ways to survive. Community is survival. Fighting back is survival. Might be hard, but giving up your soul is hard, too." DJ's eyes have locked onto the beehive relief a long moment, tearing away with difficulty and returning to -- almost fix on Polaris, though his gaze slides off her, too. Lands instead on an anodyne print of Blond Jesus getting baptized by a strapping John the Baptist (evidently in a lake somewhere in the mountains of the American West). "Hey," he says with a small twitch of a smile, "if you scandalized the stake into some kind of forward motion, I'd say that's helping. I just -- I feel like probably this crowd responds better to a -- lighter touch. They have to be listening to you in order to hear you, you know?" Polaris draws a quick, sharp breath. "Fight back--yeah. I'm trying." She glances at him again, her expression shifting rapidly from despair to fury to terror before settling on determination. "I didn't mean I'd stop helping out here, whether that's philanthropies or flipping tables in the...well. Not the temple." Her eyes follow DJ's, though they do not quite focus on the First Baptism. "Yet? Just, you're my community, too." This is startlingly gentle given her otherwise agitated comportment. "But you're right," she concedes, subsiding a little, "I could make my point more diplomatically and less bitch--" She cringes, slapping a hand to her mouth just in time to muffle the "fuck" that follows. When her hand drops away her blush has deepened, but she's also smiling, thin and rueful. "I'm trying to quit-- a lot of things. Not sure I can quit being loud and forthright, but I can cut back." She tucks a loose strand of leaf green hair behind her ear, the smile going wry. "Maybe they asked you to talk to me cuz you're mad persuasive." DJ exhales slow and heavy, curling his arm tightly around himself. "Yeah, I guess --" His cheeks are still flushed, too, but a small smile answers Polaris's. "It's been hard to think about community here sometimes but -- yeah. We are. A bit of outspoken can be good around here, it's just -- ." His fingers clench down harder against his side. "Sorry. I don't know if I'm trying to persuade you of anything. I feel like I'm figuring everything out all over again, myself. Ontologically speaking I'm not sure I should be an investigator, too." "Maybe this is kind of chicken-and-egg, but community can help you work through things that are hard to figure out on your own, too." Polaris still speaks softly, but her words are coming faster again. "Like--I'll always be outspoken, but I forgot about meeting people where they are and not where I want them to be. You reminded me. Thank you." Her smile doesn't dim, but it does cloud over with perplexity. "You...I assume you were baptized and all that, and it's same--was it the same Church?" Her eyes have gone wide and wondering. "Did it have a Quorum of 13? Were the scriptures different?" She looks down. "I'm sorry if that's..." One hand makes a vague circling gesture in the air as she hunts for the right word and gives up an instant later. "I mean, I'm not any kind of spiritual or doctrinal authority, but if you feel like it may help you find a path forward--what's the harm?" DJ unfolds his arm reluctantly from around his chest, reaching out to trace fingertips lightly against the beehive relief on the wall. "Is it the same Church? I don't think I'm smart enough to answer that. Parallel world, parallel Joseph Smith, parallel book -- I've compared my copy to here, it's -- almost the same. Close enough, certainly all the intention, the meaning, it's the same, but if I think of it as the same church then --" He presses his lips together hard, swallowing back the last of his words. "I've tried asking about it but the bishopric isn't eager to field my questions on this topic so." His shrug is small. Polaris blinks, eyes still wide but more thoughtful now. "That...sucks, but it doesn't surprise me. This Church has more experience than most reckoning cosmology with spirituality, and this isn't theoretical for you they should darned well make an effort." Her eyes lift to the bright white ceiling, her cheeks starting to flush again. "All I've got here's half a semester of philosophy and a lot of sci-fi, but if we think of it like uh..." She tips one hand--adorned only with the silver CTR ring--toward DJ. "Like the people, then.... Okay I'm not sure that helps. You're definitely Dawson Allred, just not ou--" For the barest moment she freezes, though it's not exactly sorrow written on her face this time before she forges on. "--not the one from this world. But even if you can accept, ontologically, that it's both the same and not? Not sure that helps you figure out where you stand." She gives an exaggerated cringe. "Or maybe it's a question only you and Heavenly Parents can really answer." DJ's breath catches, but only for a second. He nods, slow, his hand falling to his side. "I think maybe you're right." His smile is small, though warm all the same. "I do kind of talk Their ears off lately. Maybe one of these days they'll answer." His head dips, eyes skipping down the hall. "I guess I'll -- see you next Sunday?" "I think you're allowed." Polaris clasps her hands behind her and rocks forward onto the balls of her feet before settling back down. "My conversations with Them have felt pretty one-sided, too. But, we keep making that choice, right?" She looks up at him, her own smile also warm and actually kind of demure, if you squint. "Yeah! Unless you feel up to swinging by Evolve. You know I make a mean...beverage-of-your-choice. Be safe, and I'll pray you find some clarity."